Ophelia Is Drowning * Becca*

FOUR THINGS YOU USE EVERYDAY:
Lighters
Antibacterial Soap
Q-tips
The Vacuume

FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
Manager of a Deli
Nanny
Nurses Aide
Philip Morris


FOUR STORES YOU SHOP AT THE MOST:
Wal -mart
e-Bay
Wal Mart
Wal Mart

FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
The Truth About Cats and Dogs
Gone With The Wind
Emma
Wizard of Oz

FOUR THINGS YOU WANNA DO IN LIFE:
Something that makes a difference
Go TO New York City
Live in Venice
Fuck Oded Fehr

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION TO:
When I was 10 we traveled the Untied States
As Far as WIs.

FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY:
TTP Discourse
Hookerwood
E-bay
Live Journal

FOUR OF YOUR ALLTIME FAVORITE RESTAURANTS:
The Place
Baja fresh
Del Taco
Primo Burger


FOUR COSTUMES YOU'VE WORN ON HALLOWEEN:
Green M&M
Vampire
Whore
Clown

FOUR SCHOOLS YOU ATTENDED:
Quartz Hill Elem.
Joe Walker Middle School
Quartz Hill High School
Antelope Valley College


FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPINGS:
Pepperoni
Olives
Mushrooms
Pineapple

FOUR MOST DIALED NUMBERS:
Deb
Jen
Darci
Else

FOUR SONGS YOU NEVER GET TIRED OF HEARING: (this one is too hard!)
He Gave Me a Mountain..Elvis
Wild Boys..Duran
Crazy On You ..Heart
Promises In The Dark.. Pat benetar

I have to fuck with SianStalker on TTp.

Im just sayin.

Ive always "cleaned up" with a dipilitory and yesterday when I did so it left such a burn right where your panty legs would touch your skin.... I cried all night.

I called him.

He was actually happy to hear from me and told me that he had been wondering about me too but due to his job and contracts and stuff he is not allowed to contact me for atleast a year or so. I laughed and said "PHOOEY"

Why is it that when we look at ourselves we can only see our flaws? Are we really as pathetic as we see ourselves? Ugly? Fat? Old?
Why do we seek the approval of our friends? Do our friends see what we see or do they see something better? or are they just secretly happy that they look better than us?
When we seek that approval, do we really want to hear the truth? Do our friends lie to us? Do we want them to lie to us? Is that the nature of things? Has it been written in stone somewhere ?
Is it the 11th Comandment?
" Thou shall lie to your girlfriends about how they really look"

Do our beautiful friends feel the same way when they look at themselves? Do they seek the same approval? Or are we just as beautiful but can't see it? Someone has to tell us.
Does your mirror lie too?

Question:

Can you become friends with your Therapist?
Is it right? PC? What does it mean for the parties involved?


I had a great Therapist for two years. Unfortunetly we had to break -up in Oct. He was having another relationship.....

With his Disortation.


When I was first introduced to him , I knew he was the one for me. I could just tell. He was the perfect guy in every way. Clean. Nice looking. Smart. Non Threatening. Funny. Compassionate.... and Gay.

By the end of our first year together he had really gotten to the heart of me. I could tell him anything and he would always "get me" .

By the time he had to leave I had really made some major break-thru's.
Our last two sessions were basically talking about general bullshit. I can tell that it was going to be very hard for either of us to say "goodbye" . He showed me pictures of his partner, but not before asking me "IF I knew?" We both knew that I knew he was gay, but for some reason he felt he had to share that vebrbally. Maybe it was his last ditch effort to say " Hey I trust you and you are my friend too not just a client"? I dont know. Maybe I am dilusional. But probably not. I understood him just as much as he understood me.
When we walked out we joked about "Fag hags and If I were one." " Life" and whether or not another Therapist was Gay or Straight. He said "The Jury is still out on that one" and I said.."Oh No Without a doubt"
We both knew right then and there we had crossed the line. We had even mentioned that we had done so, then acted like two kids who were about to "get it!"

We had one more session left. I missed it. Did I miss it on purpose? Was I afraid to say "goodbye" ? or had life just gotten too complicated by the next week?
Honestly...
It was all of that.

4 months later I still wonder about him. Not as my Old Therapist..but as an old friend who got lost in the hustle and bustle of life.
Who knew as much about me as my closest friends do. My life was an open book ...but he only got half way thru chapter one. He has no idea of how it ended or where Chapter two takes off and in my heart I know he has thought about me, my life and what has happend since we last saw each other.
We are not bound by any contract now.... so I wrote my friend a letter.

I'll make a cake and blow up balloons
Set the candles , sixty one.

Write you a letter . Sign your card.
Hang "Happy Birthday" on a sign in your yard.

I'll play some music. Your favorite songs.
Think of you as I sing along.
I'll dance in your shadow that lingers still.
I'll make a wish. Or two or three..
Because without your Birthday there wouldn't be Me.
.................................................................






The rose is a rose,
And was always a rose.
But the theory now goes
That the apple's a rose,
And the pear is, and so's
The plum, I suppose.
The dear only know
What will next prove a rose.
You, of course, are a rose--
But were always a rose.
Robert Frost

FUukwits! All of them!
Someone needs to fuck that sian cunt with a lawn mower.

Lack of password, lazines and just not being inspired has kept me from LJ.

What a strange and eventfull year it has been.

The year started off like all the others. By the end of 04 I had completed many life missions. One of them , getting in contact with my long lost sister , Lisa. We had talked on the phone on Christmas day 04.

Christmas 04...one thing was missing... My son. He was in Juvenile Hall for crimes against me. He was released in May 05. But more about that later.

By the first of the year things were in motion to give Mom a surprise 60th Birthday. We had to postpone the party due to her illness..but it went well. I had worked several months on a video tribute to her life and in hindsight I am so glad I had.

Here is a picture of her and I on that Day.



Soon after her party she had gotten very ill again and in march she had a ...what they called an episode with her heart. She had an anxiety attack because she couldnt breathe well and aspirated some fluid into her lungs and it made her heart stop for 16 mins. At this time we had not known if she was going to pull thru. She had been put on a ventlator and to our surprise she came off two weeks later. When all was going well, she had an internal bleed out from the blood thinners and we were told only a miracle would save her. Well a miracle must of happend, because two weeks after that she got to come home again.
Mom had other plans... she wasnt ready to die just yet.
it was then when she pulled thru that I had made the promise to care for her full time and that I did.
I knew it wouldnt be easy..but I also knew that was the least I could do for her. Some days I wanted to spit nails. Others I would laugh my ass off at her funny and strange sense of humor.

In Feb..Mom got to meet the great Lyn Hillman when she came to stay the weekend. Mom was impressed with the long red hair. Mom had to have all hers cut off after her long hospital stay.

Mom had made plans for June to have an "Awake" party for the family. So she listed and planned and ordered and we had her "Awake"
Mom sat with each member of our very large family and spent time with each one alone , talking to them. Telling them stories and making sure she left nothing unsaid.

Mom never wanted a funeral. She wanted to be there.. so she was. She was funny like that.

The following July... we were expecting company. The Hookers were coming to stay for a week. Hookerwood 05 was impending.
I wasnt sure how it would go due to Moms illness...But Mom, as hard willed as she is... stayed well for 11 days with no problems and we worked our plans around her care.
Those who attended that week were fortunate to have been able to sit at her side and listen to her tales and advise. They were no longer just "Hookers" they were " Her Girls" . Faces and names she would never forget. I think the hardest task she had to complete that week was learning how to say "Elspeth" right. I had to write it down on paper so she wouldnt forget the spelling.
After HW05 she would often talk about the girls and say " I need to write them all a letter and have you put it on the computer" . I wasnt sure she was ever going to do so until recently.

By July Evan had been home 2 full months and By October... he was arrested again for the same crimes. He is due home again in Feb 06. Parenting is never easy..but I didnt sign up for this shit. But forgive him I have.

If there is one thing I have learnt from all of this.. that would be.. anger and hatred are far more easy to achive...but love and forgiveness are worth all the work in the world.

The Truth is very enlightening.
Ive been called many things this year by people that have not known me personally or known me very brief.
I used to get all uptight about those things. Being called " The Lamest Peice of White Trash On The Internet" , But that is all about Anger and Hatred. Ive come to the conclussion that people say things about others when they are not so sure about themselves or feel threatend by someone elses self worth, so they try to knock them down a peg or two.
Two years ago it would of been so easy for me to stoop down and spit back because two years ago I didnt like myself.
I'd be the first to admit that if any one can fling the shit.. that would be me. But I figured it out... " If you dont want to live in shit.. Stop throwing it..becasue some asshole will throw it back at you"

And really the only thing you can do about the shit stirrers is cut them out of your life. Its really very easy.
I often wonder about the people I have cut from my life. How are they? What are they doing now? And then I go look and most of them are still up to their necks in the shit, the drama that does not even effect their lives , but they cant seem to pull away from it. Amazing!

Ive learned a lot from my Mother this past year. One of those things was patiance. Endurance and the skill to take a deep breath and walk away.

I always thought that If I lost my Mother I would never be able to Live, Laugh or carry on without her.

On Dec 6th I held her hand as she left this world to start another journey and I was in awe. I never seen anything like it. I was blessed. The most beautiful thing in my life was even more beautiful in her death. She was finally at peace. Out of pain.

And I found out that I can still laugh.

Gee if I had sex 100 times a day ... I would have so much less to think about. Never thought it would be Andy tho.. But I'll take him " Get over here you little machine and give mama some lovin' "

Which member of Duran Duran are you sleeping with? by her_name_is_rio
Name
Date of Birth
You're currently sleeping with:
But after him, you'll move onto:
He's really insecure about his:	large nose
On weekends you usually:	go out on the town
Number of times you have sex a week:	100
Will he ever settle down with you?	maybe
Quiz created with MemeGen!

I must be fucking insane.
I think I have pee'd 4 times in the last two hours. *sigh* here we go. Another symptom. "Frequent urination" The only answer I have for that is.. I did drink almost a whole pot of coffee this morning..and I can sure feel it in my kidney. Or wait! is that another symptom? See! I am a fucking asshole!
And just when i think my symptoms go away... they creep back up again. Then I start to worry all over again. Back online..looking shit up... making myself paranoid even more. Shit, even before the internet I would do this crap at the library. I think this all started when I was about 14 or so.
I can recall the very first time I thought i had something terrible.
I was in the kitchen of the house I used to babysit at , on the phone when I went to move my hair from my neck and found a little round ball on the side of my neck, so I went and got the medical encyclepedia and looked up .. Lumps in The Neck only to find that I had Non Hodgkins lymphoma. For days I was freaked out. Eventually it passed and wasnt until a few years later that I actually found out that humans have these things called lymphnodes.

So now as I sit here with a slight burning sensation on my lower right side having to pee.. I try to throw it out of my head as too much coffee or I sat funny. Then I get a strange twinge up my abdominal wall. Kinda feels like when you dont eat all day and you kinda get that pain in yer side. Sorta like that. But I did eat today just to see if I would feel full after only a few bites. You see, another symptom of Ovarian Cancer is not being able to eat regular amounts of food. And if you know me.. that has never been an issue.
No, I didnt feel "full" I just didnt really feel like eating. Okay..so Loss of appetite.. *shrugs* maybe?
Maybe I just dont feel like eating. Im hungry and all.. but..


I sit here trying to figure out what my pelvic is. Ofcourse I know what it is..but what do they mean? Do they mean.. the center or side? What do they mean by pelvic pain? Like do they mean pain like menstrual pain? Slight pain.. or pain as in soreness? Is sorenes the same as pain?
I stub my toe and it hurts like hell.. then it gets sore.
Do I have pelvic soreness because I have spent a few times today pushing around on my belly/lower abdomanal area to see if it hurt or to see if I can find a lump or something? I pushed one time and I felt a pain. Kinda made me jump. Then I felt it again and it wasnt there. But when I felt it the first time and felt pain I got this hot flash of fear in my body. So then I started to over think that.

The internet says..
Some people have slight to subtle pain in their symptoms. Why cant shit be just one range?
Because even if I am not in major pain.. the subtle pain in my body still means doom.

How long have I had these symptoms? I dont know. If I think about it , I kinda think Ive had one or more of them many times in my life.
Backache.. even though in the last couple weeks I have had a real sore lower back.. I have had back aches before. I kinda know my back pain in the last couple weeks is from wearing low to the ground flip flops and no other shoe for some time. Before I was on this current brain malfunction, I summed up my back pain to the wrong shoes... so I changed shoes and it felt better.. wasnt "gone" but felt better.
Ofcourse logically , I am going to have lower back pain.. im a heavy person. And that's prolly what the Dr will tell me.


Pain in my thighs where they connect to my hip..kinda where you have the Pelvic V<-- ... I get pain there too. Is that what they mean by "pelvic pain" ? Or do I get that from sitting funny or sitting too long in a too low chair? Bad posture?
When I rub my lower back.. It does feel somewhat better in that area. But then I think.. Could there be a huge tumor pressing up against a nerve causing this pain?
Am I part of the one and one half % of the 1/3 of American women who will get a gynocological cancer this year?
The statistics seem pretty promising when you look at it like that. One and one half % will get ovarian cancer.
The disease is uncommon in women under 40.. more common in post menopausal women over 65. Most cases are diagnosed in the 7th decade of life.
Your chances decrease if you have had a child and were under the age of 30.
All of that sounds good and all..but when I have certain symptoms.. mind you that can be due to other things.. but none the less..I have them.. I feel screwed.

I have some really wonderful friends who love me and support me and without them i dont know what id do.

Well, I really don't know what to put here , but I need to somehow keep my mind on other things. I did some wash, dishes and yard work.. tried to take a nap and ended up watching Rat Race on TBS instead.

This week Durans new CD came out and my state of ind hasnt allowed me to enjoy it yet. I have listened and do like it but.. as for getting excited.. I just cant, and that really has nothing to do with the band or CD. It has to do with my clinical depression. Once again I find myself in a "down" And once again I find myself , self diagnosing a horrid disease.
I do this from time to time. I get a symptom. I look it up. And viola' I have a deadly diesase. NO, I am not a hypocondriac.. I just have a fear of "having something" Whatever the fuck that means. Part of my disorder I assume.
And when I do this so called web searching to justify my symptoms I get in a downward spiral of doubt and fear.
Two moths ago , because I had an itchy nipple, I concluded that I must have breast cancer. The Dr assured me that I had no lumps and my breast were fine... only then did I go home and get back on the internet and read that a leaking nipple is a sign too.. then I felt my nipple leak. Well my brain felt it.. cuz it really wasnt leaking. But for months I would feel this sensation.
Only do my symtoms go away when I find a new one to obsess over. This week..
Ovarian cancer.
How did this start.. ?
Well, I have a small bump on my cervix ( I didnt know I still had my cervix untill I had a check up and the DR did a pap..I thought that was gone too when they took an ovary ) so I was looking that up online to see what the symptoms of cervical cancer are only to delve deeper into gynecological cancers to find symptoms of ovarian cancer..So lets see..

Abdominal pain
Pelvic pain
Gas
Constipation
Frequent peeing
Loss of appetite
Indigestion
among a few other things..
They say that the symtoms are so common in other things that Ovarian Cancer is often mis diagnosed or ignored when you go to the dr with these symptoms.

What do they mean by pelvic pain? Fuck! I dunno. I kinda get crapy down there from time to time. Sore, full, just plain icky sometimes.
Constipation? Well I have had trouble shitting too..
But the thing is..they say ... Do NOT IGNORE these symtptoms..and I understand that.. but what i do is get so into it that I manifest them. Not that I want them.. but I think about it so much that I start getting little pains, twinges, etc etc.... and they never go away until a DR tells me I am ok.
I get so fucking beside myself that I cannot function, work or think. I dont want to talk to anybody, see anybody or do anything. I get in such a funk its unreal.

So I go have a physical on the 8th.. If I am not dying from ovarian cancer.. then Im sure Ill find something new to die from.
Whatever happend to living?

Ok.. this really goes out to Twy, Nic, Else, Jenn, LB, and a few others.. cuz they emailed me today and I cant reply
But obviously..everyone can read it. lol

First off..I hate verizion. Have I told you that? I try to send an email to you guys and it comes back saying *Mail returned no address*
Second..im too lazy and tired to Ez Inbox all of you.. and Ezboard is going weird today too.


Ok so heres the deal...

As far as I know..Evan will finish the year at the School in the next town over.. about 4 miles from home. But im still waiting for the absolute official word on that. maybe I'll hear tomorrow. If not Im gunna call the Director. Then after June 23rd, 2 weeks of Summer school .. Then High School in Sept.
And he is doing 30% better. No name calling. I am pleased about that * if you know me , you know what thats about.
Court is June 29th.

Chelsea is getting ready to graduate the 5th grade here in a week or so.. so I've been on the hunt after a cute little dress she can wear. I so am not looking forward to her entering Jr High. Kids Change after they go there..lol
Her and I also have a Date on Saturday to lay around and watch the LOTR trilogy. I am so looking forward to that.

As far as I know we will start the finish on my house in two weeks. *ITS ABOUT TIME!!!!!* So when that is happening you wont see me online much. But finally ..I will get my CARPET and New Digs!!!!!!! YAY!

I finally got money from the roommate ...I just sat her down and said " Hey Look!" " I cant do it any more. I can't carry you and your two boys. And I also cant do all the work around here. Youre gunna have to chip in or ship out. "
So we'll see how long that last.
She has to get a place soon or our 30 year friendship might crumble.

So what else.. ?
I have two kittens who moved in.. All the sudden the other night the mama cat brung them in thru the window.
If anyone wants one..Ill ship..UPS ground. lol


Mom is fine. She can see now.. she also cried when she looked in the mirror. She said.. " I got old in the last 3 years.*[i] Talking about herself there*"[/i]
For those of you who dont know.. My mom has been blind with cataracts for a few years.
Also.. her heart Dr said.. he heart is better than her lungs. But that is this week.
The cancer is the same.. Not getting worse..but not getting better.

Today I took Evan with me to LA.. did some shopping. He actually picked out clothes I could live with. I got him two outfits, a few CDs and some CURVE colonge.

I also got Chelsea a couple little short outfits a CD and a few little doo dads. ( she is a little Fashionista who loves Juicy BTW) But Juicy was not in my budget today * Sorry Gela and Pam*..lol

Then on the way home I stopped at Costco in Conoga Park. Dont know why. I have one out here.. But anyway..
Got all the household shit for a while.

Then stopped here in town and rented a few DVDs and I think Ill order pizza and relax the rest of the night and watch Monster.

And that's about it.
So you if email me and I dont reply..its cuz Verizon is still having problems.
Of course that's why I put this here.

WTF's a JoSi, anyway?
You're either a straight male, or an extremely
well-adjusted female Duranie.
Go Away. ;-)


What kind of JoSi pervert are you?
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Yeah Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

OK..this is fitting.

PARENTAL

ADVISORY

OID CONTAINS EXPLICIT LYRICS

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

B	Beautiful
E	Elitist
C	Controversial
C	Creative
A	Astonishing

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

I got the link from Veebs.
What song am I?





Take the What's Your Song? quiz and visit Castle Diqueria.

Also...

WAAAAAHH!! You're inner Bombshell is the zany
Lucille Ball! You like making people laugh, but
also know how to turn on the glamour when the
time is right. To most guys you're the perfect
all-around gal. But sometimes you get into
trouble and have a heckuva time talking your
way out of it. You may be accident-prone on the
outside, but your a first class business woman
on the inside. A pioneer, so to say. Lucy can
still be seen hamming it up on her most famous
television series "I Love Lucy".


Who is your inner bombshell?
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Ever fall in love at first sight? I have.
One particular time stands out in my mind like it were yesterday. It was a warm August morning when I saw him. There he was :a perfect stranger, but I felt like I had knew him always. The memory still, after all these years, fresh in my mind.
His hair was silky brown and wavy like wind blown sand, and his eyes so deep and dark. From the first time he looked at me I could see the far reaches of his soul. So pure, so innocent. So completely in love I fell at that first moment.
Our first kiss took place only moments after our meeting. His breath like fresh lavender and his lips soft like orchid petals....


15 Years have gone by. And yes I am still in love. Has it been easy? No. Will it ever? Who knows?

I was once told that " Love is blind" . I would have to disagree. Love is only blind to those who are afraid to hurt.